Venus is Fallon Hudson
To be honest, the most freaky thing to come out of the anticipation of the royal wedding for me is that Kate Middleton has been immortalised in plastic.
Yep, she now has her own doll and to make the situation worse, someone actually had the time to take the doll all around London and take photos.
There she was on the tube, at a Mr Whippy ice-cream van, in a phone booth and at the Tower of London.
If I was to see someone carrying a doll of Kate Middleton, I would suggest off with their head.
Seriously, it is just the marriage of two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together. End of story.
I think Prince William should run to Las Vegas with Kate and be married by a king - I am talking Elvis, baby.
I am a woman, who hopes to get married, but I could not care about this wedding, or what she wears, or will the couple share a public kiss on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, like Prince Charles and Princess Diana did?
The royal family are boring and wealthy and that is what the wedding will be - boring if you decide to tune in with a cup of Earl Grey and a crumpet.
What might keep me entertained is if the Kate Middleton doll turns up instead.
Mars is Zane Jackson
Like most blokes, I simply can't wait for the upcoming royal wedding.
For it to be over, that is.
The only good thing about a wedding that isn't your own is hitting up the free bar at the reception and seeing embarrassing dads and other family members dancing like it's the 1970s still.
But we get none of that with Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Kate Middleton already stalks me when I walk into my local newsagency. Her face is plastered on the front of every woman's magazine imaginable.
If it is, like I fear, going to be shown live on most TV networks, there are a couple of ways us guys can make it bearable.
One way is to turn it into a drinking game. For the beginners, maybe take a good gulp every time Kate's dress is mentioned.
For the hardcore, take a drink every time "Prince William" is mentioned. Another way is to see how Kate stacks up on the day and compare her to Princes Diana. At the same age, who would have been better looking?
Both have their attractive qualities so that question is sure to raise some good friendly debate.
It might be insensitive, but so is subjecting us poor guys to all this royal wedding malarkey.
Venus and Mars is a weekly humour column by Fallon Hudson and Zane Jackson.