5 things the shonky Broncos can do with wooden spoon
Now that they have their latest well-deserved addition to their trophy cabinet, how could the Broncos put their new you-beaut NRL Wooden Spoon to good use?
1. The new coach, who no doubt will be dragged into the club kicking and screaming blue murder, can use it as a motivational tool to enable the Broncos, who last won something worthwhile back in 2006, to enhance on-field performance.
The coach, let’s call him Kevvie, will take said Wooden Spoon to the first day of training and brandish it menacingly every time they spill the pill (are you listening Corey Oates) under a high ball, disregard all marker or flank defence (that’s you big fellas bludging on the blindside), or kick the ball straight down the throat of the fullback for an innocuous six and last (more Milf kick and hope “magic”).
2. The Wooden Spoon is ideal for reintroducing the very gun-shy playing group, from veteran Alex Glenn right through to rookies, to the sensation of what it is like to get the better of the opposition (something known to other sides as “winning”).
Kevvie can induce some steel and fire in the 2020 rabble by wielding the said Wooden Spoon about the legs, buttocks and thick hide of the playing ranks.
Then the players will each be given use of this rather blunt instrument to thrash one another. The coach will reinforce the lesson of the day by saying: “There! That is what it is like to beat someone, feels good doesn’t it?”
3. The Wooden Spoon can be used as an all-purpose dispenser. Players may use it to take turns at eating huge chunks of the jumbo-size humble pie the coach has already ordered. It will also be used to deliver the large doses of truth serum that will once and for all
make them realise they are not the God’s gift to rugby league and the next big things in the NRL worthy of bloated salaries. Pay per win or feel the sting of the Wooden Spoon, that should be the Broncos’ 2021 mantra.
As well, the finely crafted spoon made of the finest chipboard rejects, will be ideal as a wedge to remove the silver spoons many of the precious players seem to have lodged in their mouths every since they took up residence in the $27 million high performance/pampering clinic.
And anyone caught breaking the NRL bubble (the Bronco’s burst when they lost last year’s final to the Eels by a squillion points) and heading out to play the pokies, will have the Wooden Spoon shoved down their throat to release their abundant gall.
4. The Wooden Spoon would be a perfect addition for Alfie to cart on to the field along with his water bottle and the magic sponge and those $5000 custom-designed bespoke pillows for all those poor fatigued Baby Broncos who are once again caught napping in defence, attack,
general play, you name it … they’re all asleep at the wheel, so they may as well be comfortable.
Alf can also wield the Wooden Spoon as a wake-up, when once again it’s time for Broncos to execute their favourite play. And that is standing hands on hips, not daring to look your mates in the eye as you wait for the conversion behind the try line, before you kick off again for what will be another demoralising set of six for easy 60m gain for your opponents. Every time a Bronc gives away a repeat set of six for a lazy flop or too slow to roll off the tackle, Alfie will wave the Wooden Spoon as an omen of what is to come in 2021, as the last eight loyal Bronco fans left in the empty stands chant “Broncos, Shonkos, back-to-back Wooden Spooners!”
5. This Wooden Spoon would make a perfect playing prop for players physically challenged to live up to their hype who are making no headway in the game. Million dollar man Anthony Milford could well improve his speed and mobility by having the dodgy leg with the two-bob tissue-thin hamstring surgically removed and replaced with an artificial limb.
The Wooden Spoon would make an ideal peg leg for the Milf who, let’s face it, can’t beat time … or even a ball boy … these days with a stick ... or Wooden Spoon.