Lifestyle

'Austar moments' and a bed of nails

THERE'S nothing quite like the comfort of your own bed. A place of relaxation and rejuvenation, a place to rest your head after a long hard day and a place of peaceful slumber.

That is until you have to share it with a spouse with whom you've had a ding dong, drag out, 10-round screaming match. Then suddenly that happy little haven is as comfortable as a bed of nine-inch nails.

Like most couples hubby and I have what I call "Austar moments". These moments happen during inclement weather and can lead to a temporary loss of transmission of marital bliss or, if things get really stormy there is a complete communication breakdown and the after-dark fun channel will cease to operate.

Oh don't get me wrong, even though our wedding cake was eaten years ago we still love each other deeply. He is my soul mate, my partner for life …. blah, blah and I'm his. I still laugh at his tired old jokes and he still pretends not to notice when I sneak the last Tim Tam. But even with all this adoration and devotion there are times where I could happily beat him to death with the vacuum cleaner.

It's always the same thing that gets me started. My requests for a little help with the dishes or the washing or the cleaning are met with "yeah, yeah, honey, sure - later".

And when "later" does come (after two hours of no movement) and my repeated request is called "nagging", voices become raised, tears are shed and accusations of "why do I have to do everything around here" are met with "what are you stressing about?" and suddenly there are more plates flying around than at a Greek wedding.

That old expression, "never let the sun go down on an argument" is all well and good when you have a heated exchange at two in the afternoon. You've got all day to get it out of your system, forgive each other's foolishness and if you play your cards right, the "Adult Austar" channel will be transmitting after dark.

But there is no coming back when these exchanges happen late in the evening. The haven that was once your bed becomes a battleground. The other night I slammed the bedroom door so hard it made the window rattle. I laid there in the dark under the doona - absolutely seething. And when the love-of-my life finally came into the bedroom guess what he was doing? Humming. I almost hired a hitman on the spot.

Apparently while I had been in bed sobbing into my pillow and poring over every heated word, "Dory"' had completely forgotten about the argument and had been watching telly. Trust me; without saying a word, I made sure he was quickly reminded of the state of play in the bedroom.

Battle lines were drawn - right down the middle of our Sleepmaker Deluxe. During the night, inches of doona and mattress were fought over like the inches of territories won and lost in WWI trenches. And if he dared to begin breathing in a slow rhythmic manner indicating sleep was close, I began a series of Cirque de Soleil tumble rolls.

By the light of dawn, big toes carrying white flags of surrender crossed both sides of the battle lines and slowly a tentative peace was restored to our boudoir. Although "Dory" is still trying to work out why the fun channel hasn't resumed transmitting.

Topics:  family taming humour opinion relationships


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Buskers have time to enter Noosa comp

GET ENTRIES IN: Australian National Busking Championships are coming to Noosa.

Deadline extended for National Busking Championships in Noosa

Road closures and changed conditions start this weekend

DELAYS EXPECTED: Heading home through North Toowoomba this afternoon? Congestion is expected as Transport and Main Roads carry out works on Ruthven St between Campbell and Bridge Sts.

Sporting event and road works will impact traffic from Sunday

Biggest Morning Tea upsizes to fight cancer

Annie Evans from Cancer Council Noosa organised this year's biggest morning tea at the Noosa Boathouse.

Morning tea raises more than $3000

Local Partners

Baywatch: Lifeguards with model looks return for 'filthy fun'

TWO chiselled men emerge from the surf. One looks like a god. The other, well, he's gasping for air and doesn't realise there's a jellyfish on his chest.

Model Bella Hadid's see-through dress shocks in Cannes

US model Bella Hadid attends the Cinema Against AIDS amfAR gala 2017 held at the Hotel du Cap, Eden Roc in Cap d'Antibes, France, 25 May 2017.

It’s like she’s become addicted to shock value.

Buskers have time to enter Noosa comp

GET ENTRIES IN: Australian National Busking Championships are coming to Noosa.

Deadline extended for National Busking Championships in Noosa

No room for morbid fans

Chris Cornell.

Fans want to stay in the hotel room where Chris Cornell died

Star Wars' 1977 Stormtrooper head banger confesses

A Stormtrooper is responsible for the biggest blunder in a Star Wars movie. Picture: Supplied

Man in most famous blooper in Star Wars history breaks silence

Lyn's knock-out show gets her to next round on The Voice

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS: Lyn Bowtell is through to the battle rounds on The Voice.

'It was bitter sweet to win like that'

Report reveals progress on $319m airport upgrade

Aerials of the Sunshine Coast.Jetstar plane in front of the Susnhine Coast terminal, Sunshine Coast Airport.

Over two dozen government approvals needed for airport expansion

Lost dough leaves sour taste after company collapse

Kathleen and John Mahoney from Sugar and Spice Bakery were stung after the collapse of Cantro Pty Ltd and are still owed money.

Supermarket operator collapse leaves sour taste for bakery

Open for inspection homes May 25-31

Check out this weekend's homes open for inspection

Privacy and views in the heart of Noosa

Immaculate residence in exclusive Noosa Heads gated community

Saddle up for Noosa hinterland horse property

Purpose-built horse complex and residence on cleared 5.26ha

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!