Bach couple quits show in astonishing exit


A Bachelor In Paradise couple literally disappears from the island with barely a goodbye on Monday night - but the snub is not as shocking as the one received by the world's oldest mean girl.

How old is the world's oldest mean girl? She's 34. But all the kids on the island keep talking about her like she's Betty White. At one point during the rose ceremony, Osher almost offers her a zimmer frame.

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It's drama and tension all around and Fiji Tourism is trying to figure out how this series was given a permit to film on the island, yet again. Ciarran and Kiki offer to film an ad campaign and executives at Fiji Tourism reject the proposal but Ciarran and Kiki go ahead and do it anyway. Ya welcome, Fiji Tourism!

I’ve never seen a better promotion for Bali.
I’ve never seen a better promotion for Bali.

Everyone's still recovering from that brawl that happened last night and no one regrets it more than Timm. He acted like a complete wang and instigated it and now he feels silly. And it's not the first time. He spent the night staring at the spinning ceiling of his twin-share bure and he had an epiphany. Or in Jamie's words: an ep-iph-am-y.

He has come to the conclusion that getting day-drunk on frozen daiquiris while sharing a bedroom with another adult male is not healthy behaviour. We've all been there.

He begs Britt to leave the island with him.

"I wanna leave with you, and I wanna try a relationship on the outside," he tells her. "It's not the right place for me at the moment and I wanna leave with you. I wanna leave now."

She stares into his eyes. "I'm not staying here without you."

It's like a sweatier version of Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet.

"I wanna be with Timm and it doesn't matter where," Britt holds back tears.

It's surprising because she's so refined and bookish. But we've all experienced a Timm - the kind of guy who makes you toss aside your Bachelor Of Communications degree in favour of spending your days hanging out at his Bondi share house.

They go to pack up their bures and we wait around thinking we're going to receive a formal goodbye but it never comes. Osher isn't even alerted. The hide! They just hijack the Ten News First helicopter and piss off back to the mainland.

They're dead to us. Next!

Baiiii Timmmmm.
Baiiii Timmmmm.

Keira is in a pickle. She appointed herself Alex's girlfriend without asking him and now he's acting like it's a problem.

"He said he needed space and I thought it meant for three minutes but he meant the whole day. So obviously the communication is not very clear," she sighs.

Yeah. That must be it.

She pulls him aside. He goes to sit on one end of the couch and she directs him to shuffle down.

"Can you move? That's my good side," she rolls her eyes.

"This is not gonna work," he blurts out.

It's tough being dumped. But at least her good side is on full display.

A woman in control.
A woman in control.

Someone who's not having her good side shown is Cassandra, 34. She's so easily manipulated by producers into saying mean things about LITtney and she falls for it every time.

"Dude, it's not a f**king tough choice … are you serious?" she says about Jackson The Pie King liking both her and Brittney. "You know what I mean? This situation is so odd. Being pitted against Brittney is really weird. She's just ... annoying."

And she's right. It turns out it's not a tough choice for The Pie King and he kisses Brittney again. His kiss reactivates the spirit of LITtney.

"Brittney's back, back again," she sings. "Yeah boy! How you doin'!"

Hey hon!
Hey hon!

The Pie King promptly tells Cass she's minced meat. She reacts accordingly.

"He can f**k off," she spits.

Cass, 34.
Cass, 34.

Cass should really look up to Keira. Keira is a ray of positivity and optimism in this greasy, Midori-stained paradise.

Sure, Alex broke up with her. And yes, he told her to please stay away. But do you think that stopped her? Not at all.

"He's a really nice guy and apparently he's really well hung," she tells us.

There's our girl!

Keira’s always putting things into perspective for us.
Keira’s always putting things into perspective for us.

At the rose ceremony, it's a no-brainer for Jackson. Of course he picks LITtney. Who wouldn't? It's LITtney, bitch.

Cass takes it super well.

"He hasn't had much life experience and will definitely learn from this mistake … they always do," she snips.

... Sure.

Cass, 34, has life experience.
Cass, 34, has life experience.

But Keira teaches us the ultimate life lesson. Despite Alex begging her to keep at a reasonable distance, her taunting and threats have backed him into a corner and he gifts her his rose. Yet again, Mary delivers with a ten out of ten facial expression.

And Cass zimmer-frames down the beach.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Mary is just working around the damn clock.
Mary is just working around the damn clock.




Originally published as Bach couple quits show in astonishing exit

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