Lifestyle

Foul-mouthed sandwich

CHEF Gordon Ramsay and I had a lot in common this week - and it's got nothing to do with whipping up a batch of seafood linguini served on a bed of freshly picked garden salad all lightly drizzled in a mixture of balsamic-based something or other.

No folks, I'm not beginning to cook like Gordon Ramsay, I'm beginning to sound like Gordon Ramsay. Which is better than looking like him I suppose.

And it's all thanks to one nasty little kitchen appliance.

This crappy little electrical appliance goes by the oh-so-innocent-sounding name of "The Sandwich Maker".

Let me be clear from the outset on this one, there is nothing innocent about this appliance.

Oh sure, it all sounds great when you're standing in the small electrical aisle reading the enticing directions on the side of the box.

"Easy to use - at the flick of a switch it will heat up in seconds - the red light will indicate when it's ready for use - comes with a full warranty". Impressive.

If only hubby had come with the same directions, it could have saved me a lot of time and trouble over the years.

But that's just the advertising jargon to lure you in.

I mean to say, what starved-for-time woman who hates cooking wouldn't be tempted into buying an appliance that can feed her constantly "starving" kids while claiming in big bold letters on the lid of the box, "No cooking required"?

When it comes to my all-time favourite three little words, you can forget the "I love yous" the "You look greats" and the "All day parking", give me the "No cooking required", that little phrase does it for me every time.

So naturally I bought one. And naturally I didn't buy the ridiculously expensive top-of-the-line one (why waste shoe money), I bought the little cheapie.

I proudly brought my new sandwich maker home and showed it to the kids.

All went well until it was time to clean the thing. Gooey cheese and bread had somehow baked itself into the grooves, and also around the edges of the sandwich maker, and also all over the kitchen bench and it wasn't going to budge without a fight.

Standing at the sink contemplating chiselling the stuff off I started channelling Gordon.

The instruction booklet had clearly stated, "To clean, simply wipe the non-stick surface with a paper towel". Wipe with a paper towel?

What moron wrote this #@%*? Obviously one who had never tried to clean a #**&%)* sandwich maker.

The word "simply" had no business being on those instructions.

And don't talk to me about the non-stick surface.

If that #*!!#%ˆ surface is non-stick, I'm a size 10 and my kids are angels.

There was also an unexpected find waiting for me on the underside of my sandwich maker.

Etched in small print was the wording, "Do not immerse in water".

Okay, two things wrong with this.

Firstly the wording was on the bottom of the appliance (probably put there by the same %!##*!! genius who wrote the instruction booklet) and secondly, if you have to put a warning like that on your appliance it's a safe bet I'm not the first frustrated cheese toastie maker who, out of sheer desperation, has considered soaking the wretched thing in the sink.

Time once again to do an incredibly accurate Gordon Ramsay impersonation.

Topics:  family taming opinion wendy's world


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Fears he's Lucky last koala in Peregian Beach

UNLUCKY: Lucky by name but eventually not by nature - or our impact on the environment.

Locals saddened by passing of Lucky

Frank Sr was Peregian Beach treasure

DEEPLY RESPECTED: Frank Wilkie Sr loomed large in life at Peregian Beach and in all his life endeavours.

Community and mayor mourn loss of a real leader

Local Partners

Rebel Wilson says she didn’t have to lie to make it

I’M not glamorous, but that doesn’t make me a liar: that’s the message from Rebel Wilson on her second day in the witness box.

All bets on Judah to win battle to become the Voice

Judah Kelly from The Voice.

Judah Kelly is the clear favourite to win the competition.

Kim Kardashian slammed over Manchester tribute

Kim Kardashian's tribute to Manchester didn't go down well

Top Gun 2 movie is happening, Tom Cruise confirms

Tom Cruise in a scene from the movie Top Gun.

TOM Cruise delights fans with announcement on Sunrise.

The first Baywatch movie reviews are in

From left, Jon Bass, Alex Daddario, Zac Efron, Dwayne Johnson, Kelly Rohrbach, and Ilfenesh Hadera in a scene from the movie Baywatch.

Critics were less than impressed.

Boyfriend loses it over sex lie

Stacey Louise’s sex lie destroys her relationship.

SEVEN Year Switch’s Stacey told a fib about her sex life.

Why Crowe’s thankful for those ‘bulls**t’ rumours

Russell Crowe and Terri Irwin in 2007.

Crowe and Terri Irwin have been dodging dating rumours for years now

Privacy and views in the heart of Noosa

Immaculate residence in exclusive Noosa Heads gated community

Saddle up for Noosa hinterland horse property

Purpose-built horse complex and residence on cleared 5.26ha

How Toowoomba house prices compare in Australia

For sale sign in front of home.

Here's what $700,000 will buy you in Toowoomba, Brisbane and Sydney

One of Maryborough's most historic homes is still for sale

FULL OF HISTORY: Trisha Moulds is owner of the historic Tinana state known as Rosehill. The beautiful home is currently for sale.

It has been the scene of both joy and tragedies over the years.

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!