Lifestyle

Foul-mouthed sandwich

CHEF Gordon Ramsay and I had a lot in common this week - and it's got nothing to do with whipping up a batch of seafood linguini served on a bed of freshly picked garden salad all lightly drizzled in a mixture of balsamic-based something or other.

No folks, I'm not beginning to cook like Gordon Ramsay, I'm beginning to sound like Gordon Ramsay. Which is better than looking like him I suppose.

And it's all thanks to one nasty little kitchen appliance.

This crappy little electrical appliance goes by the oh-so-innocent-sounding name of "The Sandwich Maker".

Let me be clear from the outset on this one, there is nothing innocent about this appliance.

Oh sure, it all sounds great when you're standing in the small electrical aisle reading the enticing directions on the side of the box.

"Easy to use - at the flick of a switch it will heat up in seconds - the red light will indicate when it's ready for use - comes with a full warranty". Impressive.

If only hubby had come with the same directions, it could have saved me a lot of time and trouble over the years.

But that's just the advertising jargon to lure you in.

I mean to say, what starved-for-time woman who hates cooking wouldn't be tempted into buying an appliance that can feed her constantly "starving" kids while claiming in big bold letters on the lid of the box, "No cooking required"?

When it comes to my all-time favourite three little words, you can forget the "I love yous" the "You look greats" and the "All day parking", give me the "No cooking required", that little phrase does it for me every time.

So naturally I bought one. And naturally I didn't buy the ridiculously expensive top-of-the-line one (why waste shoe money), I bought the little cheapie.

I proudly brought my new sandwich maker home and showed it to the kids.

All went well until it was time to clean the thing. Gooey cheese and bread had somehow baked itself into the grooves, and also around the edges of the sandwich maker, and also all over the kitchen bench and it wasn't going to budge without a fight.

Standing at the sink contemplating chiselling the stuff off I started channelling Gordon.

The instruction booklet had clearly stated, "To clean, simply wipe the non-stick surface with a paper towel". Wipe with a paper towel?

What moron wrote this #@%*? Obviously one who had never tried to clean a #**&%)* sandwich maker.

The word "simply" had no business being on those instructions.

And don't talk to me about the non-stick surface.

If that #*!!#%ˆ surface is non-stick, I'm a size 10 and my kids are angels.

There was also an unexpected find waiting for me on the underside of my sandwich maker.

Etched in small print was the wording, "Do not immerse in water".

Okay, two things wrong with this.

Firstly the wording was on the bottom of the appliance (probably put there by the same %!##*!! genius who wrote the instruction booklet) and secondly, if you have to put a warning like that on your appliance it's a safe bet I'm not the first frustrated cheese toastie maker who, out of sheer desperation, has considered soaking the wretched thing in the sink.

Time once again to do an incredibly accurate Gordon Ramsay impersonation.

Topics:  family taming opinion wendy's world


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

The couple who kept Halse Lodge from falling down

PICTURE PERFECT: Paul Stagg holds up pictures of Halse Lodge from 1929 and 1989.

Before it was a backpackers, it was a guest house run by the Staggs

MakiMoto serves up flavour and style

FLAVOUR SENSATION: Tempt your tastebuds with traditional dishes with a modern twist at MakiMoto Noosa.

Chasing an authentic Japanese food experience? Visit MakiMoto Noosa

Noosa's mega luxury location

DREAM HOME: The luxury views of 29-31 Wyuna Dr, Noosaville.

A dream home only for most

Local Partners

Large donation to fund new Katie Rose Cottage hospice

Mystery benefactors have made a "significant donation” that will allow the Katie Rose Cottage charity to purchase property for a new hospice in the Noosa...

MIX FM concert brings much-loved hitmakers to one stage

Ross Wilson.

Hitmakers from the 1970s-'90s feature in a new concert series

A canine comedy that's much more than puppy love

The cast of Coolum Theatre Players' Sylvia.

When Greg meets abandoned dog Sylvia, it's love at first sight

HUGE OSCARS FAIL: Wrong film handed Best Picture award

IN A monumental stuff-up, La La Land was incorrectly named Best Picture. During the acceptance speech, the real winner was revealed.

Blue Heelers' Ditch Davey joins 800 Words cast

Ditch Davey joins the cast of 800 Words as Terry, the younger brother of George, played by Erik Thomson.

George Turner's brother, Terry, arrives to Weld with a 'few demons'

Oscars winners 2017: Full list of Academy Award winners

Viola Davis accepts the award for best actress in a supporting role for Fences at the Oscars on Sunday, Feb. 26, 2017, at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles.

WHO won Oscars this year? Here’s a full list of every winner.

How Coast pilot helped an Oscar winner

OSCAR winner Andy Wright with his wife, has a Sunshine Coast connection that may have helped put him on the path to glory.

The Sunshine Coast link to Oscar winner

Why can’t Nicole Kidman clap properly?

Nicole Kidman's style of clapping has puzzled Oscars viewers.

FOR some reason, it seems Nicole doesn’t really know how to clap.

Muslim actor makes Oscars history

Mahershala Ali accepts the award for best actor in a supporting role for Moonlight at the Oscars on Sunday, Feb. 26, 2017, at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles.

MOONLIGHT star Mahershala Ali makes Academy Award history.

NO ONE OFF LIMITS: Kimmel burns down the house at Oscars

Host Jimmy Kimmel speaks at the Oscars on Sunday, Feb. 26, 2017, at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles.

HOST delivers a torrent of abuse on Hollywood’s night of nights.

Questions asked about financial reporting for new CBD

QUESTIONS: Auditors have questioned some financial reporting for the new Maroochydore CBD.

Review agreed to over new CBD financial reporting

Coast one of Queensland leaders for house price growth

The Sunshine Coast has second highest house price growth in the state.

Sunshine Coast second highest house price growth in state

Mining homes dive: $600k homes sell for $120k-$300k

18 Yeates Street, Moranbah sold for $135,000 in December, after being repossessed by a bank. The owners bought for $545,000 in August, 2011.

The economy still has two speeds, but with a painful twist

Mackay's property market climbing like a Rocket Man

Renewed confidence in Mackay means more homes are being snapped up by those eager to plant their roots in the region.

There's movement in the real estate sector and it's all positive.

'Why we drove 800km to buy a treehouse with a disco ball'

The new owners have planned a few updates, but will stick with much of the original design.

A couple travelled almost 800km for the home of their dreams.

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!