Hold the door, I’m coming to stay ...

AM I the only one who suffers from "home alone" syndrome?

I have always been nervous in the house alone. Without another person's presence ... every space in the house seems sinister.

Every room is a place where malevolence may lurk.

It's ridiculous I know, but it's an affliction I've suffered all my life. I have never lived alone; can never envisage such a frightening prospect.

Day time alone in the home makes me edgy, nervous...but the nights...oh the nights ... terrifying.

Every leaf that falls outside is a serial killer cocking his gun before he breaks a window to climb in.

Every branch that creaks is an axe murder sharpening up his blade.

Every rattle of a window is Hannibal Lecter coming in with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti.

Every murmur of the wind is Ted Bundy jumping up and down impatiently outside contemplating a spot of dismembering.

I hate being home alone.

The overheated imagination pictures horrible scenarios, especially when this Nervous Nelly retires to bed with nothing but the flimsy protection of doors and walls and windows and alarm systems between her and a certain grisly death.

Sleep is impossible.

Shelves become shadows which in turn become medieval crusaders miraculously delivered through time and space to arrive in the ensuite wardrobe with a sack full of torture instruments.

I don't know where this ridiculous nervousness comes from. It certainly doesn't run in the family.

My 95-year-old mother lives alone and frequently forgets to shut (let alone lock) her front door.

She has often risen, gone to pick up the morning paper to find the front door swinging invitingly open.

My sister sometimes lives alone when her adult sons temporarily move out (they always come back) and she loves it.

She once woke up to find a man stomping up her hallway towards her bedroom.

He was a taxi driver, come to the wrong address, and just walked in her unlocked front door to see if anyone was at home.

She was not in the least flustered.

So, without inviting your pity, if I find myself widowed and home alone in my later years, can I come and stay at your place?

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