‘Horniest’ show about to hit TV
With international travel still on lockdown, the closest we can get to a sexy getaway is watching sweaty reality stars attempt to hook up with each other on a Fijian island in the new series of Bachelor In Paradise.
It's truly a gift in these dark times. And while previous series of the Channel 10 show have been rather meh, right now we feel starved for drama and we're desperate to watch a show that has all the charm of a delayed regional Jetstar flight. I mean that as a total compliment.
The promo teaser that dropped this week gave viewers a taste of which former stars of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette would be getting shipped off to the island when it premieres in a few weeks (remember: it was filmed months ago before we all became mole people). And on news.com.au's Not Here To Make Friends podcast, we speculated breathlessly about what fans could expect from the upcoming series.
So what's in store? Horniness. Blatant horniness. All at the hands of Ciarran Stott and Abbie Chatfield.
LISTEN TO THE FULL CHAT IN THE PODCAST BELOW
To refresh your piña colada, Ciarran appeared on last year's series of The Bachelorette and attempted to woo Angie Kent by getting naked at every opportunity. And in the promo teaser for Bachelor In Paradise, you better believe he arrives on the island naked - because that is just what Ciarran does.
We're calling it now: Ciarran and Abbie will hook up. In the promo, as Abbie washes up on the island, she declares - by hook or by crook - she will snag Ciarran.
"I came here for Ciarran. He's hot. And he's such a naughty boy. And he's mine. I'm gonna get him," she states.
And we have no doubt Ciarran will be all for it because, since Abbie's first foray into reality TV on last year's series of The Bachelor, she has reinvented herself as a pedestrian sexologist.
Just like Ciarran getting naked at every opportunity, Abbie talks about sex every chance she gets.
She infamously declared her horniness on national TV last year after dry humping The Bachelor's Matt Agnew on the beach.
And since then, the friskiness has skyrocketed. The past month has seen an onslaught of sex confessions from our dearest Abigail. And we're not complaining. We're thrilled to see her back on screens, dolling out carnal knowledge to less experienced contestants.
On the Clit Talk podcast, she revealed she taught the other girls in The Bachelor mansion lots of helpful things.
"So me being outgoing (and) overly sexual, I would just tell the girls how to do anal. I would draw butt plugs. I was trying to be their sex education mother," she said, proving she's a true team player.
As the world spirals out of control at the moment, it's more important than ever before for strong people to stand up and use their platform to ask the big questions. Like Abbie does on her Instagram Stories.
"Guys there are so many people here saying, 'No one knows I masturbate.' Come on, we need some more conversation around this. If no one knows you masturbate, I mean … At what cost? At what cost?" she pondered recently.
Abbie should replace Healthy Harold and travel around the country in a van, teaching schoolchildren about sex and drawing butt plugs on a whiteboard.
Abbie is the reality contestant we need right now. And on top of all her other qualities, it's perhaps her moral compass we adore the most. Remember when she told Matt last year that another contestant called him a "dog c**t"?
Well, she addressed that recently.
"That's not being mean. At worst, that's being a dobber. Which I probably am. Well, I'm a huge dobber by the way. I dob on everyone. I don't give a f**k. That's, like, my worst toxic trait - that I'm a dobber," she said on her It's A Lot podcast.
A horny dobber on an island with a bunch of single strangers and a guy who likes to get naked all the time.
It's just like a real holiday.
Originally published as 'Horniest' show about to hit TV