MAFS: Humiliated groom ‘quits’ after sex-shaming
A Married At First Sight husband is humiliated and threatens to leave the show after finding out his wife has publicly sex-shamed him in a messy situation that, in all honesty, is really miss-con-sued.
Miss-con-sued? Yep. Not a typo. This will all make sense later. Well, it won't, but whatever.
The Wednesday night dinner party begins and ends the same way it always does: with a dud lay and drunken threats of divorce.
Mikey and Natasha have finally had sex and they keep thinking it's hilarious to joke about how quick it was.
"It was good. I wouldn't say it was the longest session we've ever had. You don't regret the 10 seconds?" Mikey jokingly asks his wife.
"Best 10 seconds of my life, can't wait to make it 20!" she laughs, like it's the most hilarious joke in the world.
We eye-roll outta there and stomp into the apartment across the hall where Hayley is trying to position herself as the Oprah of the group. After scratching her partner on the face last week while trying to forcibly pash him against his will, she has seen the light and now has all of life's answers.
"I'm one of those women that a lot of other women come to. In this experiment, people are gravitating towards me for advice. They're coming to me for advice for a reason," she beams to us in the mirror while GHDing her hair.
Just wow. We try to hide our face so she doesn't see us giggling, and then we encourage her to gift everyone with her advice tonight. Her first client? Amanda.
Amanda's had it with Tash and insists on arriving at the dinner party alone.
"I feel empowered. I'm ready to have fun tonight. If I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna go out with a bang," she declares. "And god help anyone who tries to piss me off tonight. We are done. This is about me regaining my power now. I've got my leather on. I'm a powerful woman. You don't f**k with a powerful woman. I think me walking in alone will be me making a statement."
We ignore Amanda's "power woman" speech and tell her to go see Hayley the very second she arrives at the warehouse.
"I think where we differ in this situation is that I have the maturity about me to let it go. And you just need to let it go," Hayley beams to Amanda after half listening to her problem. She decides she has created the saying "let it go" and doesn't realise she has stolen it from that cartoon princess in Frozen.
Wow Amanda. You must be super grateful to have received that wisdom. How do you feel now?
"I was ready to knock her out," she grimaces.
"This is setting them up for a fairly ugly confrontation," John Aiken observes.
"We know, isn't it great?" we smirk while picking up a Coles muffin off the junk food platter.
After diligently solving Amanda's problem, Hayley looks around the room to see who else she can help.
"I'm a big lover and nurturer and, if someone's hurting, I like to fix things. My first instinct is to go up to them and say, 'OK what happened? How'd it happen? Where's the opportunity? And what can you do to fix this?" she says, explaining her patented four-pronged approach to pedestrian therapy.
She spots the weak gazelle of the pack: Connie.
"There is no 'relationship' in 'I', but there is 'us' in 'this', yeah?" Hayley sagely nods.
Moving on to other couples who have clashed this week, she lectures them in a theory she just invented, literally seconds ago.
"What you've just described, it's called 'head butting'. The way you go about things and the way he goes about things," she explains.
I would absolutely watch an hour-long show where Hayley just walks up to couples in shopping centres around the country and gives them unsolicited advice. In one episode, Hayley rolls through the Macca's drive-through and dutifully informs the teenage window attendant where he has gone wrong in love.
"There's no 'love' in 'me', but there is 'we' in 'patience', yeah?" she would say as the attendant throws a large Diet Coke in her face.
It's around this time everyone is starting to get tipsy and talk turns to sex. Natasha decides to wheel out that lame "10 second" joke her and Mikey keep giggling at.
"We've had one session in the bedroom. BEST 10 SECONDS OF MY LIFE AND I CAN'T WAIT TO MAKE IT 20!" she screeches, laughing at her own joke for the fifth time before adding to the punchline, "He got a leg cramp!"
Michael the Ice Cube King eggs Natasha on but then takes great issue with the joke and decides it's his life's responsibility to tell Mikey and destroy Natasha.
"Girl you are telling me way too much information I did not need to know that Mikey goes for 10 seconds!" he yells to the camera.
"There's a microphone, can you please stop yelling everything," we squint at him.
Meanwhile, Amanda's swiftly moving around the room telling everyone what a big mean vegan Tash is. Geez, it's like Hayley's wisdom just went in one ear and out the other.
"I can't date a vegan, I'm sorry. I can't date a vegan. It's 'vegan this', 'vegan that' - I can't be f**ked," she sighs to one of the guys. It should be noted Amanda was happy to persevere with her crappy marriage even though her wife refused to be in the same room as her or even learn her name. But it's the veganism thing that finally tipped her over the edge and made her throw in the towel.
"I know I'm a rad chick! I know I'm a f**kin' catch!" she continues to rant.
The thing is, no one sounds like a catch when they go around talking about what a catch they are.
We decide to move Amanda and Tash's name tags so they have to sit next to each other at the dining table. And then we move Hayley's name tag so she has to sit across from them and slur more unsolicited life advice.
"I think the only way you can have a successful relationship is with open communication," Hayley says, resting her forefinger on her chin and squinting at the helpless people before her. "It needs to come from a really good place. The words are just getting miss-con-sued. So its just, automatic, like, voooom!"
Mmmhhmmm. Mhhhmm. Makes sense. And she's totally right. When the words get miss-con-sued, everything does go voooom when, instead, it should go kapow!
A couple who's also going voooom is Mishel and Steve. We sit down next to them to steal their carafe of wine and immediately regret it because we have to witness the most old person argument ever.
"He leaves cups everywhere," Mishel groans.
"What cups are you talking about?" Steve fires back.
"The cups! The cups!"
"There's no bloody cup!"
"The cup was there for three days!"
Michael is clearly missing the adrenaline-filled world of the ice cube biz which is why he's stirring so much crap tonight. He steps in and provokes Steve even more.
"You can't speak to her like that!" Michael yells at Steve. "You can't tell her to shut up," Stacey joins in.
"Those words did not come out of my mouth! They did not come out of my mouth! Not once! Not once! Do you understand!" Steve yells in his British accent.
"Steve, you're shutting her up and belittling her in front of everyone, it's disgusting!" Stacey yells.
We remind Stacey her husband has ditched her twice to go get wasted at the casino and bitched about her to his mates on the phone in front of her. We grab the carafe of wine and storm off and to find Hayley. Clearly she's the moral compass of the group and the only one with an intelligent grasp on life and love.
"Oi! David slapped my arse so bad in bed the other day I've got a hand print on my arse," Hayley slurs to the group.
Not content with having ruined the elderly couple's relationship, Michael decides it's time to tell Mikey the lame sex joke Natasha made.
"Dude, I hate when this shit happens and I'm telling you straight," he shares. "She goes like, 'Aw, it was like 10 seconds or whatever,' and you got a cramp. She was just trying to make you look like a mug in front of me. I feel so sorry for you because your bird just came in here and said you last 10 seconds in the bedroom!"
Wow. How kind of you to care so much about Mikey's feelings that you'd go and tell him this information loudly, in front of everyone. You're a real pal, Ice Cube King.
"I feel like I've been slapped in the face. I'm f**kin' uncomfortable. I actually wanna leave to be honest. I'm not really feeling this anymore. Now I'm really angry, I don't want anything to do with Natasha," Mikey stews to us. "I'm f**kin' done. I've never been so humiliated in my life."
He takes his ring off and leaves it on the couch while his wife hides in the bathroom and tries to justify the joke again.
"I thought it was OK to make the joke … we laugh about it all the time. He says, 'Ah, best 10 seconds of Tash's life', and I say, 'Can't wait to make it 20!" she repeats for the eleventh time.
"Our problem with the joke is it's lame and we didn't think it was funny the first time you told it," we sigh, staring down at her over the cubicle wall.
Everyone leaves unhappy and resentful - the same emotions we imagine you'd feel after a 10 second lay.
Well, not everyone is unsatisfied with the evening.
"I've helped a lot of people tonight," Hayley gushes to us.
And that's one thing that certainly can't be miss-con-sued.