WHILE one Married At First Sight bride grapples with telling her new husband about a condition she's lived with for years and another comes to terms with the fact her husband is only in this experiment to expand his ice-cream empire, we're tasked with keeping a straight face when we're introduced to a new groom who has frosted tips.

We go global on Tuesday night and venture off on the honeymoons where the cocktails are strong, the days are long and the unmistakeable smell of regret begins to waft through the Pacific Islands.

Perhaps the most confronting revelation to come from the honeymoons is Justin sleeps in Qantas pyjamas. I never understand why rich people get so excited about Qantas pyjamas and then insist on wearing them as their around-the-house clothes.

Recently, I think a rich person in my suburb decided to throw out all the Qantas pyjamas he'd accumulated after years of travelling because one day when I woke up and left my apartment, all the homeless people in Kings Cross were shuffling around in grey marle pyjamas with big kangaroos on their chests. It was very off-brand for Qantas, but the lady who sleeps on a pool lilo at the end of my street was loving herself in the new ensemble.

Before we get to the honeymoons, we're introduced to our final match of the series.

You know, since this series started I've been getting real down about the potential partners coming my way in life. In the last few months, I've only had two guys interested in me on Grindr. One goes by the profile name Moist Burrito and he lives 57km away. The other is named PoundTown.

Moist Burrito is cool and sexy, but he really just seems like the kind of guy you fool around with for a few weeks while trading treatable STDs back and forth. And PoundTown's the man you marry and move back to your home town with, you know what I mean?

What I'm trying to say is, after meeting Tuesday night's final match from the experts, I've new-found affection for both Moist Burrito and PoundTown.

Sean has slept with over 200 people and has frosted tips and I think I finally understand oxymorons.

When you look up from you magazine at the hairdresser and she’s frosted your tips without your consent.
When you look up from you magazine at the hairdresser and she’s frosted your tips without your consent.

Blair is a 31-year-old divorcee who enters rooms like this and we've already had enough of her.

Please leave.
Please leave.

She keeps making comments about how much she loves sex and, look, Blair, if you really want PoundTown's number just ask.

It seems the producers have gotten extremely lazy this series because they keep recycling the same storyline for each wedding where someone's child or previous marriage is exposed against their will during the reception.

As Sean shovels seafood onto his plate at the buffet, one of Blair's easily-fooled bridesmaids is tricked by a producer into telling him about Blair's ex-husband.

Sean's shocked but, in all fairness, Blair didn't know she'd be married to a guy with a '90s haircut so everything has a way of evening out.

Over in Western Australia, we catch up with Ashley and Troy and here's a selfie of me on my couch whenever he talks.

Meow.
Meow.

After we're forced to watch Troy shave an unusual pattern into his chest hair, we leave the villa and start heading to brunch when he pulls us to a halt and insists on doing push-ups.

Please don't let the cute straw bucket hat we're wearing detract from how annoyed we are by the ridiculous inconvenience.

When you’re furious but you still wanna look cute AF.
When you’re furious but you still wanna look cute AF.

In Vanuatu, Justin spends his first day walking around the resort in his Qantas pyjamas before losing his wedding ring in a lagoon. Carly is already getting miffed, but she's pushed over the edge when it becomes clear Justin is only using this honeymoon as an opportunity to expand his self-serve ice-cream conglomerate into the island's buzzing hospitality scene.

The following morning, as Justin drinks a can of diet Coke like a lady, Carly can't even bring herself to talk to him.

Vanuatu’s reigning ice-cream queen.
Vanuatu’s reigning ice-cream queen.

Over in Samoa, producers know Gabrielle is still anxious about having to tell Nasser that she has no hair, so they secretly encourage him to keep complimenting his new wife's hair.

"Your hair is perfect!" he says cheerfully, stroking her mane as she wakes up on the first day of their honeymoon.

"Your hair just looks so great!" he tells her again as she clutches her makeup bag and paces to the bathroom.

"How do you get your hair SO PERFECT?!" he yells through the bathroom door.

Gabrielle is extremely lovely and perhaps one of the nicest people they've cast on this show and it's excruciating seeing her grapple with this.

But the producers are on a tight schedule and they know she's anxious to reveal to Nasser that she has alopecia so they plant a box of questions on the table during dinner to prompt the confession.

‘I feel like I’ve been set up.’
‘I feel like I’ve been set up.’

Gabrielle tells Nasser. And we're expecting the worst.

"I dunno. I really dunno. I'm speechless," Nasser says. I can't tell if his face is shocked and angry or if that's just the effects of his Botox and tinted lashes.

But, he surprises us.

He says it's totally fine and offers to show her his hairless chest and we're all like, no thank you.

Nasser's response is beautiful and understanding. And his kindness has inspired me to give PoundTown another chance. You're all invited to our wedding. We'll be serving champagne and moist burritos.

RSVP to the wedding of Mr and Mr P. Town: @hellojamesweir


Come this way for First Nation festival of reconciliation

Come this way for First Nation festival of reconciliation

Booin Gari is on at Noosaville tomorrow

Noosa Frying Pan one hot address for luxury lifestyle

Noosa Frying Pan one hot address for luxury lifestyle

A chance to buy in to Noosa paradise

Cooroy RSL raises $5000 for drought

Cooroy RSL raises $5000 for drought

Little club makes big mark

Local Partners