Betrayed groom gets his revenge
FEELING the wrath of her betrayed husband, Married At First Sight's cheating bride has been forced to shelve her ambitions of gaining more Instagram followers and exited the experiment.
One week after finding out Davina cheated on him, Ryan is still angry and wants to dump her the way she planned to dump him. In Sunday night's fiery commitment ceremony, he compares his marriage with the tremendously unaware bikini model to a "surprise funeral" - and fears she'll keep him shackled against his will in the union.
It's intense and I'll confess I stress-ate three Twirls while watching it all unfold.
Before the commitment ceremony, we watch on as Davina and Ryan get ready for the evening. To the unassuming viewer this scene doesn't reveal much. But upon closer look, it contains two details that shock me to my very bone. These two crucial points perfectly symbolise the very essence of who Ryan and Davina are as people.
1) Davina's self obsession has reached heights we never could've predicted - and we discover she owns a T-shirt with a photo of herself posing in a bikini screenprinted on it.
After a lengthy news.com.au investigation that involved me getting sucked down into a Davina Instagram rabbit hole, I can reveal the original photo she has printed on the self-obsessed tee.
The revelation works me up into a spin and I can't believe I've missed the big new fashion trend for the summer. Everyone's been getting their racy selfies screenprinted on tees and I've been buying regular clothes at David Jones like a loser.
Is there an app? Or does General Pants now have an in-store screenprinting service with same-day turnaround? For months, I've been walking around in plain clothes looking like a complete idiot.
It's a fashion emergency and I need to rectify this immediately. I start frantically scrolling through my phone trying to find my sexiest pic but the best I've got is a particularly alluring one of me eating a Nutella doughnut. I hit "send" and jam my T-shirt into the office printer. The results are flawless.
The second important detail to be exposed in this scene is Ryan wears speedos as underwear. It's a gross but adorable habit.
Wearing my saucy new tee, I whirl across the hall to Gab and Nasser's apartment and walk right in without knocking because I'm certain they're not having sex. Gab tearfully confirms the assumption.
Nasser's in the bathroom putting a semipermanent L'Oreal rinse through his hair and angrily yells out that Gab's in the "friend zone".
"I need him to know who he's messing with," she whispers and, I don't think she's going to kill him, but the dramatic statement makes me wonder what she's capable of.
It's not that I don't care about Nasser's welfare but I really don't want to miss the Dean and Davina mess unfolding further at the commitment ceremony. We steal Tracey's Uber and meet everyone there.
As usual, all the other couples are wheeled out first and we have to sit through their unremarkable problems.
Blair tells the experts about how, after a night of passionate lovemaking, Sean said he's not into her. She then starts doing that fake cry girls do.
When Sean reveals his choice to leave, it throws Blair over the edge and she wails, "I got dropped like a hot sack of potatoes!"
She's devastated but, on the plus, I think she just discovered the new amendment for her "Burgers for lifey" tattoo.
Troy tells the experts he loves Ashley. She's petrified by the admission and reacts the same way I do when a boy says that: by staying really still in the hope that if you concentrate hard enough you'll suddenly develop Alex Mac-style powers and have the ability to morph into a puddle.
Fresh back from his whirlwind trip to Italy where he desperately tried to crack the country's booming ice cream industry, Justin deigns to show up to tonight's commitment ceremony. Carly's still perturbed and their problems are the same. Justin's in search of a 30 cent Maccas soft serve cone. And Carly's a McFlurry - too complex and distracting for the apparent businessman.
Next up, Gab blows her marriage problems with Nasser wide open for the experts. She tells them he friend-zoned her - and how he refuses to have sex even though she really wants to.
She's a lady on the edge and she isn't backing down.
Gab poetically articulates to her husband that if he doesn't have sex with her then she's outta here.
"I'm looking over my shoulder at you and I'm asking, 'Are you sure?'" she says in what could honestly be dialogue from a Julia Roberts movie in the '90s.
To really hit the message home, Gab borrows Tracey's "hib ip and quib ip" catchphrase. Only, Gab doesn't have the whole Kylie Jenner lip thing going on so she pronounces it as "hit it or quit it".
While the experts try to get to the bottom of this messy issue, we cut to Dean and Tracey and catch them giving each other a knowing glance. Their smirks imply the union is rock solid and problem-free. It's so annoying we push Gab and Nasser off the couch and throw some condoms at them before summoning Dean and Tracey.
The experts play dumb and ask about the showdown between Dean and the other contestants at Thursday's dinner party even though they were watching on CCTV camera in the underground garage. They open the floor and go to the group.
"Davina, what does the 'girl code' mean to you?" Mel Schilling asks.
Before she can answer, her husband Ryan jumps in.
"F*ck all," he snips.
Ryan's angry and he's looking for a fight. He has things he needs to say and this is his final chance. The outburst provokes Dean, who starts dobbing on all the boys. He tells the experts Telv called him a c*ckhead and Telv indirectly confirms this by calling out, "You're a f*cking sh*t-talker!"
Next, Dean tells on Ryan for not shaking his hand at the dinner party.
"Don't f*cking bring me into it, for f*ck's sake," Ryan growls as he tries to contain the overwhelming desire to stand up and storm out.
"I've never said my feelings! F*ck! I'm done," he yells.
"It's like shagging your next door neighbours wife and going over and having lunch with him - you just don't do that!"
Clearly Ryan has a lot to say so we quickly rap up Dean and Tracey's commitment ceremony. Both decide to stay around rather than just hib ip and quib ip.
Davina's still convinced she's done absolutely nothing wrong. Asked by the experts if she regrets trying to steal someone else's husband, she shrugs and says nup.
"No, because it's my feelings," she says, with a childlike lack of awareness.
Ryan just wants to give his decision and get the F outta here, so he interrupts and holds up his card with the word "leave" written on it. He knows there's a chance Davina might choose to stay, but he's desperate to make it clear how much he wants to leave his wife.
Harrowing music begins to play. There's a part of Davina that wants to stay. But she knows how angry Ryan is - and she knew he would get his revenge tonight by choosing leave. She doesn't want to look abandoned and desperate like that hot sack of potatoes with the burger tattoo from earlier.
Holding up her card, Davina's all "I think I might stay" and then she's all "nah psych!". She chooses to leave because this experiment has taken her away from her business empire for far too long and Instagram photos don't post themselves.
To honour the marriage they once shared, Davina gifts Ryan the tee with her racy selfie screenprinted on it. It's a precious moment. And it inspires me to mail my doughnut selfie tees to all my past exes too.
For more observations on Nutella doughnuts and speedos as underwear, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir