IN ROUGH and ready footage, one enraged Married At First Sight wife has been captured tearing shreds off her irritating husband after he humiliated her at a family dinner.

Shouting is heard as we chill in the backyard of an outer-Brisbane family home during Tuesday night's episode. As the argument escalates, we quickly realise it's Ashley and Troy. We consider giving them privacy but we're not that respectful so we quickly grab a camera and huddle in the garden near the kitchen window and witness the fight unfold.

The scenes are raw and candid. But not nearly as graphic as the vision we're shown that confirms Sarah and Telv have finally had sex. She's been waiting for it to be special and nothing says special like a camera crew, a boom mic and a paisley bedspread.

The scene of the crime.
The scene of the crime.

Across town, Carly finds out Sarah and Telv are now doing it and it sends her into a spin. Justin still refuses to stand within one metre of her. It seems like everyone around her is having sex and she can't believe it. So she decides to take matters into her own hands.

Carly sits Justin down on the couch and it's the closest they've physically been all series. She then decides to recite the same monologue I give on first dates.

Literally try find a boy in Darlinghurst who I haven’t said this to.
Literally try find a boy in Darlinghurst who I haven’t said this to.

Meanwhile, down at John and Mel's retirement village, producers are handing out more of my pick-up lines.

Me to every hot guy I see in a bar.
Me to every hot guy I see in a bar.

It's a new day in Perth but Tracey still continues to be humiliated. Today, she pronounces "espresso" as "expresso" and we all cover our mouths with one hand and laugh.

Dean's nervous because Tracey's parents are coming over for brunch and he knows his wife loves telling anyone who'll listen that he cheated.

When mum and dad arrive, they're in a terrific mood and ask the kids how the day has been. The simple question triggers an anxiety attack for Dean and he can't answer. He's certain they know something.

And they do.

In the days leading up to this home visit, I took it upon myself to curate an information pack and express post it to Tracey's parents in Perth. Included in my cache were candid photos of Dean growling out the neck of Davina and screenshots of their dirty texts plus a detailed timeline of how the affair played out.

I know everything.
I know everything.

Dean decides his only option is to expose himself before anything is said.

"There were a few incidents … one of the other girls from the experiment wasn't happy in her relationship as well and she reached out to me and I think she kinda liked me. And there was maybe a bit of a connection there between her and I," he explains. "I decided I didn't want to be with that other girl and I wanted to stay with Tracey."

We quietly sip our chardonnay and wait for Tracey's mum to break down and for her dad to pick Dean up off the ground by the collar of his shirt.

But after a few seconds, her parents basically just look at each other and say "meh". The reaction is terribly underwhelming and they really don't provide the headline I was looking for tonight.

Anyway, in an attempt to move on from the affair, Tracey surprises Dean with a hip-hop dance class where she spits out a new rap she just wrote that morning.

Watching Tracey rap while hip-hop dancing is surreal and unnatural - like when folk-pop sensation Jewel took a radical departure from her acoustic roots and released an urban album in 2003.

Back in Sydney, Gab and Nasser's problems continue - and they're not the kind of issues that can be fixed with an afternoon of mani-pedis and facials.

Basically, Nasser can't stand the crap shack Gab's chosen to live in for the week and he refuses to spend the night there. She's devastated but, in all honesty, I'm on Nasser's side. The apartment complex looks like a before picture of The Block before Scott Cam lets those straight couples come in and paint a bunch of feature walls everywhere.

The dull, crumbling facade symbolises Gab’s marriage to Nasser.
The dull, crumbling facade symbolises Gab’s marriage to Nasser.

By 10am, Nasser whirls around to Gab's mud hut on his Vespa. The visit is short and tensions run high. Nasser claims the dump is haunted and Gab yells, 'YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME,' and then Nasser swings an eco bag over his shoulder and zips off again on his Vespa.

It's hard to look aggressive while sitting on a Vespa with an old lady shopping bag tucked firmly under your arm, but Nasser tries his best.

Across the country, in the outer suburbs of Brisbane, Ashley's immediately regretting bringing Troy to her parents' home.

Ashley's done that thing where she's bitched about her partner to her parents so much that they know the details of every argument and terse exchange and will now hate Troy forever. I'm guilty of doing the same thing and it's why my parents have never met any of my boyfriends and almost none of my friends.

Over dinner, Ashley's parents begin to quiz Troy about the massive public sex-related fight they had last week and he attempts to retell the story but his annoying laugh gets in the way and it tips Ashley over the edge.

"I literally could've hung myself on the spot," she tells us.

She's clearly annoyed and manages to curb the rage in front of her parents. But just moments later, as we chill in the backyard and have a private chat with her dad, we begin to hear yelling from inside the house.

We grab a camera and go rough and ready. Huddling outside the kitchen window, we witness Ashley letting rip at her painful husband.

"It made me look like the snarky, snappy one!" she snaps at Troy in a really snarky way.

"When you bring up sex - you say the topic was brought up. Bold lie! That annoys me even more! And then I came off snappy because you wouldn't spit out the story. Twenty-seven minutes to explain a 27-second story that they already know!"

For some reason, in these fights, Troy decides to say lines that would appear in most '90s teen movies.

"You know I'm crazy about you girl," he pleads as we cock our heads and cringe.

Ashley then says another one of my most-used phrases in a relationship.

Me nine-and-a-half days into dating someone.
Me nine-and-a-half days into dating someone.

She's furious. And as she aggressively scrubs the dishes, she wonders why she's even trying. Troy's annoying and she doesn't like him. Every day he makes her angrier than the last.

She can't calm down. And, if she could, she'd swing an eco bag over her shoulder and zip off on a Vespa.

For more observations on awful sex and people who pronounce "espresso" as "expresso", follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir


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