Honey Badger rejects girl mid-pash
HUMILIATED after being publicly rejected by the Honey Badger mid-pash, one contestant on The Bachelor has told a lie so inaccurate it has sent shockwaves through the mansion and caused one girl to have a meltdown in the bathroom.
While the burn of embarrassment is enough to make most people recoil from life itself, this over confident contestant is only spurred on. The harder the fall, the more potent her cockiness becomes. The stakes rise, she gets more reckless. And she doesn't care who she hurts.
Before we go any further, I should note we have a very special guest tonight: A world-class expert in the field of dating sciences who will provide specialist analysis.
Before the much-welcome drama on Thursday night's episode, we're made endure a very average beach date not worth discussing and a boring photo shoot that, on the surface, offers nothing but does display some rich underlying symbolism.
It's not until Nick crashes the mansion for an unscheduled surprise date that things begin to pick up. The visit causes chaos and the girls swarm around him.
Stalker Cass is thrown through a loop. The Excel spreadsheet she created detailing Nick's minute-by-minute whereabouts did not include this appearance. She tries desperately to get his attention.
"Nick," she calls from the crowd of girls. He doesn't turn around.
"Nick," her airy voice repeats, but the holler goes unacknowledged.
"Nick! Nick!" she persists.
She touches his lower back but he blocks her out of the circle.
"Nick," she says one final time, moving in front of him but he turns away to hug another girl.
Nick chooses Romy for the date and they head off to a pizza place where the humiliation begins.
"I love jalapeños!" Romy declares.
The Honey Badger is a worldly man. He knows things. And he feels Romy should be educated on the exotic food she's planning to eat.
"Ring stingers," he warns her with wide eyes. "BUM BURNERS," he reiterates, raising his eyebrows to ensure she understands the trauma she's about to endure.
It's crackling first date conversation and something you absolutely want the hot guy you like to say to you.
Anyway, with only a few hours to spare before the jalapeños make their pre-warned reappearance, Romy franticly attempts to make a move on Nick. And out of nowhere, she latches her mouth onto his neck and begins furiously licking it.
Nick tries to wriggle out of it but Romy just nuzzles in harder.
"I like to hold back a bit. And establish a real connection - try and make it more meaningful," he says.
But Romy isn't into holding back. She whips her tongue up his jawline and tries to get near his mouth. He dodges the lashing and lurches back, rejecting Romy and her kiss.
"It's getting a bit steamy in here," he says nervously. "We better take this down a notch. I'd hate to hurt anyone's feelings - it's not my thing."
The thrill of the moment has warped Romy's perception of events. She's completely psyched with her efforts and the adrenaline rush appears to have made her unaware of the rejection that just took place. In her mind, they kissed.
"I just can't wait to see the girls faces when I tell them I kissed Nick," she declares to us.
Just to fact check that statement: Romy and Nick did not kiss, but Romy did lick Nick's face and ignore his pleas to stop.
But Romy is not interested in the facts. She has invented her own narrative, and she broadcasts it far and wide. At the cocktail party, the girls mill around her and demand to know if they kissed.
The answer is no. We know it. She knows it. The seven cameramen who captured the rejection on film know it. But just as we wheel in a big TV to publicly replay the embarrassing moment to everyone, Romy's already midway through her lie.
"Yeah we had a really, like, romantic kiss. It was HOT. It was a great kiss. It was A REAL kiss," she gushes. "It was the right time and the right place. And it was just the right moment to do it. It wasn't tacky it wasn't forced. It was an organic, authentic kiss. It was a perfect kiss."
Just to clarify, this version of events detailed by Romy is factually incorrect. But everyone believes her.
Word of the "first kiss" roars around the mansion. The other girls are furious. Shannon - who had today's boring beach date not worth talking about - breaks down in tears and locks herself in the bathroom. A team of producers is forced to counsel her through the door.
Determined to prove to everyone the organic, authentic chemistry she shares with Nick, Romy struts up and corners him in the gazebo. And without warning, she lunges in for another kiss.
She's promptly rejected, again, and her mouth ends up on the bridge of his nose as he tries to escape.
The other girls are so caught up in the bold move they don't even realise Nick just rejected her.
"She's a shitty person," Vanessa Sunshine mutters.
Usually, this kind of bold behaviour would not be rewarded with a rose but the Honey Badger is in a tough position. And Romy is let through.
For further analysis we cross to our dating sciences expert.
"Anecdotally, weirdos who force-pash you and then lie don't get roses on this show," she says. "But for the purpose of giving this series some interest - and getting rid of people whose faces we've never seen before - Romy's inclusion is vital. It's kind of like how being exposed to small amounts of bad bacteria is actually helpful in strengthening a strong immune system."
This analysis makes complete sense and is more accurate than any lies Romy has ever told.
After all, our expert wears a glasses chain. Everything's true if it's said by someone wearing a glasses chain.
For more observations on glasses chains and lies, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir