Looking to move up (and some on) in the Broncos’ wobbly world
There was an interesting “position vacant” in the Courier on Saturday in its career recruiting section for a new head of office for a certain former footie superpower. Perhaps that want ad should be extended to the whole team? Anyway this was my chance at corporate ladder climbing.
It has come to my attention through the highly informative classifieds in the Saturday Courier Mail that your good selves, the brains trust of the mighty Brisbane Broncos are in urgent need of a LEO to run your recently shambolic footy show.
I almost did not apply, as I am a SCORPIO, but then I re-read the want ad and saw it was in fact for a CEO. I must say I do not know Paul White, but as a lifelong Broncos supporter I can understand why he may be moving on to greener pastures before his off-field form matches that of the horrendous mob you have trying to play the game at the moment.
How am I doing so far? Assertive enough for you? I think so.
It says here, the new CEO must work closely with boards. You’re in luck because my very first school holiday job was working at the Hancock Bros timber mill just down the road from North Ipswich Reserve, now home of the Ipswich Jets.
For six weeks on my Christmas break I worked tirelessly with laminated boards putting the tongue and groove in them. I was an expert in no time and I can still tell a bad board when I see one a mile away, and yours I can see is plainly way out of line with just about everything the Broncos fans hold sacred … Kevvie Walters being a prime example.
You require me to work in closely with your steak holders, well I played footie for the Ipswich West End Bulldogs and I was in close with a few of our beefy front rowers who had stomachs that could hold up to six steaks at a sitting of breakfast on game day, plus a dozen fried eggs with a side serving of bacon … no kidding.
So you want financial leadership? Here’s a tip, reintroduce win-only bonuses at the Broncs, like we had at Wests ($50 for two-point performance was a lot of dosh back in those days), and you’ll soon have the boys back looking sharp and appearing like they actually want to be out on the footy field, instead of hiding in dressing room toilets when the sirens sound the start of the game.
As for media relations, I’d be hiring Benny as our media liaison officer next year when he’s a free agent again, that is if he ever lays off the pasta and gets out of quarantine. The brief would be to “tell ‘em nothing, take ‘em nowhere”.
I may have a problem though being the “face of the Broncos” as I played mostly reserve grade in the lower Ippie comp where there were a bunch of thugs who loved to head high tackle, so my melon is not in the best of shape. Hopefully the pandemic hangs around a bit and I can mask up a lot.
I don’t know about delivering results, but another holiday job I had was an appliance delivery assistant at Big White’s store in Brisbane St … no order was too tough for us to wheel in and out on our trusty trollies. So I’m looking a natural fit so far.
And your application guide saves the best bit to last, the CEO “must lead this organisation to premierships”.
I tick that box nicely, having played in two reserve grade grand finals, losing the first one by a country mile, but learning from our mistakes and coming home a winner and grinner on the second go. I can bring in my trophy and the team photo to prove it if you don’t believe me.
So what are my plans for the Broncs regaining some respect and Caxton Street cred?
Well for a start I would find someone who could actually coach, maybe my winning reserve grade coach Alan Boland as he’s never lost a final. I’d bring back XXXX cans to Suncorp and make Alf, as his penance for playing up on his birthday (geez, I hope he did not table dance in his undies … what a media spread that would make … again), pick up the containers that are worth 10 cents. Then when we have enough in the kitty, we can afford to pension off Darius and Milf, the poor clapped-out buggers.
So now that I’ve established by credentials 100 per cent, when do I start? And can you make it a five-year deal, they’re the best kind.
Should you show appalling judgment by refusing my offer of my “saviourship”, then I may be forced to fall back on my Big White’s experience by applying for the job ad underneath yours for a furniture removalist at Northside Removals. If so, we can still do business, as I understand you also may be looking for a new chair sooner rather than later and I might be able to arrange something that’s fallen off the back of a truck for a bargain price.
Yours truly the (chosen) one, Scoop Gardiner.