Your child comes home with a tattoo. Here's what to do
SINCE my daughter was born, I occasionally whisper to her - half joking, half seriously - 'Slow down, you're growing too fast'.
The tiny blob has started walking, talking, and now after turning two can tell me "No thank you" and "Love you Daddy".
The time will come, as the internet likes to remind me, that I'll one day put her down and not pick her up again.
It's something we grapple with as dads, as parents, that knowledge that our children won't grow up like us.
My dad is a fan of rugby and car racing, but despite having three sons, they're not yelling at the TV when the All-Blacks play.
For me, it would be the equivalent of my girl growing up not caring about the news. It's a big part of my life, and part of the way I connect with people. So if she is bored by conversations about what's going on in the world, will that break my ink-stained heart?
The Guardian helped me answer this question, by digging up a rant from a mother who had entirely lost her marbles.
A mum going by "Tess" is left tearfully clutching the pearls after her 21-year-old son pops in with his first tattoo.
When her hubby asks if it hurt, the mum tells how she interrupted with, "It does, very much".
That's how shattered she was by a few splatters of ink on his shoulder.
"I feel as if someone has died," she sobs.
"I keep thinking of his skin, his precious skin, inked like a pig carcass."
Obviously she's mad. Have a cup of tea and a sit. It's okay. It's hardly a meth addiction.
This weepy battleaxe's story is a reminder: here's what a crap parent looks like.
If you're so devastated by your children doing things you wouldn't do, you probably should have had a pet, not a son.
We want our children to be kind, and to be happy, not a carbon copy of ourselves.
If my daughter grows up like her dad, she'll go through a hilariously stupid phase where she takes herself too seriously and pierces something.
If she grows up like her mother, she'll be stubborn, obstinate and entirely right all the time.
And I will know that I've done an okay job, with or without the big, ugly tatt.
Follow Owen Jacques on Facebook or on Twitter.